When one doesn’t carry a genetic disposition to breast cancer, it can be really confusing as to why and how we end up with it. I have been on an intentional spiritual journey since 2015, so by the time cancer showed up for the first time in 2020, I at least knew that I had the most important tool to navigate me through this journey. That tool was FAITH and my relationship and connection to GOD. It was that simple. The last 5 years, I had been in “training” where I was witnessing first hand my connection with God. My journey was not dictated by religious rules or dogmatic pressures.
It was my own private journey to understand and know God in my way. Despite the hardships that divorce had brought, my connection, my friendship with God continued to hold me through the biggest obstacles and struggles. Cancer was not just about to change that, she was only going to provide an opportunity to elevate that faith, strengthen that trust and reinforce my relationship with God.
Cancer evoked in me a deeper sense of curiosity. Without a genetic disposition to breast cancer, I made it my business to develop a curious relationship with her. I was going to keep myself open and curious and learn from what she was here to teach.
I had spent my whole life growing up hating my breasts. As they grew over the years, I wished so badly that I was flat. I remember the first time my mom gave me a bra to wear. I hated every moment of it. I was angry, frustrated and wish I didn’t have to wear it. I wish I could just be flat and get away with wearing nothing. But growing into a woman, my breasts did not hold back in size. I had D cup breasts when I was diagnosed with cancer.
My sisters always envied me. In my mind, they had been “blessed” with small breasts. If I could have one wish, it would be that I was as flat as my oldest sister, and willingly give up my breasts. Who knew that my wish to be flat would one day come true and I would in fact finally have no breasts. Our words, our thoughts and our deepest desires have power!
I suffered from body dysmorphia my whole life. That moment of being touched inappropriately by an adult figure that was in a position of authority scarred me for many years while I was growing up. What was worse is that no one knew what to do with what happened, so instead, for years I pretended like it didn’t happen. It’s not like I didn’t tell anyone when it happened. I did. I told those that I felt safe with. I told my mom. But she didn’t know what to do with it either, so she kept it quiet too. Perhaps she felt guilty about not protecting me before it happened. At that point, I stopped going for the tutoring sessions and though the abuse stopped, the memories never left me, they haunted me for years. I kept quiet about it and didn’t talk about it again, but my body remembered and my relationship with my body was forever tainted.
I have often wondered how many women who also don’t carry the genetic disposition of cancer have also been molested or sexually assaulted in their childhood. How many young girls silently suffered and developed an unhealthy relationship with their bodies because they went through sexual abuse in their life. How many have felt disgusted by these experience and harbored d hatred, contempt and rejection of their bodies? And if it is true, that our body keeps the score, then is it possible that conscious and intentional healing and inner work may actually contribute to the overall healing of our bodies even after our trauma has physically manifested into disease?
Is it possible that if we take the courageous steps to become vulnerable and admit to these harsh truths of what happened, we can in fact free our bodies from these manifestations of the dis-ease our body is trying to release.
I don’t #fuckcancer I #thankcancer because I believe that God had blessed us all with a vessel that knows how to release what no longer serves it. I believe that my body did me a favor by collecting all that had accumulated from my traumatic experiences and put it into a neat pile exactly where I was touched inappropriately.
The healing journey is not easy. It requires a constant commitment to tap into our darkest secrets and our deepest shames . It requires us to be brutally honest about the skeletons in our closet. It requires us to have a deep desire to admit that we have shit that has been rotting in our psyche which in turn has impacted the health of our bodies. We need to clear out what’s rotting just like we need to clear out our refrigerators when food has rotting and been growing mold for weeks. We needs to clear out the gunk, because if we don’t, sooner or later, its going to surface, and by then it may be too late.
I am on a continued journey to “sniff out” the shit that doesn’t serve me. Sometimes I feel it has become a part of me for so long, that it is my norm. It shows up in repeated unhealthy patterns, behaviors, and words I speak about myself or with others.
What I know to be true is, all things that are created from a place of fear and lovelessness is cancer. It doesn’t even need to physically manifest in our body.
It simply resides in the way we think, the way we speak and the way we experience life. But I remain hopeful that with patience, compassion and kindness, the healing journey will continue to let it all reveal itself. I must continue to stay open to my healing, be a safe space for healing to continually happen and allow myself to discover and let go of all and everything that no longer serves me.
I hope that you too will be patient on your journey, commit to it with all your heart and heal from within – because the truth is, you are whole, you are beautiful and you are loved.